Teaching Gender

When teaching kids about gender and bodies, I remember the day I  really thought about how non-inclusive traditional gender programing was. I was looking at a program in an ABA training for identifying “man” versus “woman”. One of my young daughters walked past and looked at my materials and said "Boys have penises? Well many trans boys/men don't” “Women don't have beards? Well, some trans women have beards. And also some women with high testosterone, certain genetics, and who have things like PCOS have facial hair”. Then she walked away. I was left wondering about the best ways to teach gender and sex to our learners. I've been thinking about and doing this for years and here are some thoughts. 

Well, the 1st way is to just be open and modern. Clearly my 11 year old had figured it out. Many Autistic folx can understand nuance and social differences through natural explanations. Just saying “Yeah- most people with a vulva are girls” is good enough. Keeping the space with“some” and “most” keeps a lot of room for nuisance as we teach a broader array of information. They can understand the depth- just like their peers- that gender is a spectrum and they just go with it. 

Sometimes, though, we will need to teach things more explicitly with our learners and while my values personally enjoy challenging gender norms- I also believe we have to know the norms to challenge them. 

I believe gender is a construct in many ways- society has deemed what things are male and female and has decided who fits in what box. I also think that being included in those boxes is very important to many people's identities (trans, cis, and genderqueer alike). It is also important medically to understand which parts doctors associate officially where- even though it is complex and imperfect. It's important legally to know as well- for example what gender bathroom should they use (both expression, lived experience, and most important legally based on state). 

I believe we are ethically obligated to expose students to culturally normed gender and sex basics—simple information that gives them a foundation to build on. Things like “boys usually have a penis” and “girls/women usually have breasts” is not about enforcing rigid rules—it’s about giving a clear understanding of how most bodies and identities are typically described. It gives a touch point to what the wider community is basing conversations and decisions on as well. This allows a foundation to be built so that we can add more nuisance on top. We can quickly move on to talk about how gender is not just about bodies, but also about identity, expression, and feelings. 

Using words like “usually” instead of “always” is a key part of this. It leaves room for people to understand that not everyone fits neatly into those categories, and that’s okay. By starting with the basics and building from there it makes space for the beautiful diversity of human experiences—including those of transgender, nonbinary, and intersex people- and everyone else who doesn't fit into a box.